Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
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[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”