If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
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“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
My support group can outdrink your support group.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?