If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
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Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
wtf management?!
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”