If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
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I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.