People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
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What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!