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Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.