*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
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I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.