why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
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DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I think my mom just blocked me