One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
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Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Jail
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish