Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
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Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
So sick of all these stupid rules
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.