Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
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[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap