Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
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me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before