I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
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My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Who chose this font
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh