None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
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*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
happy mother’s day❤️
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.