This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
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before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”