Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
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Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”