Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
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[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth