Simple
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Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.