Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
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Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I was up all night reading about insomnia
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
All excellent questions
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant