Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
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I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Saturday
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers