Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
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Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
new record!
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it