[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
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there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics