“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
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Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole