Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
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I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.