The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
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My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.