Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
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photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
(Jupiter –
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.