My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
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Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard