Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
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[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
This is enough internet for the day.