I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
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[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.