My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
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Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that