Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
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I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.