normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
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I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
spicy snake
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read