Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
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Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
So that’s what we looked like?
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court