“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
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5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Tony Hawk, age 6
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.