I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
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I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
My sex drive has a dui
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST