How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
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Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I saw this ending much differently.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Free him
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing