If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything