Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
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When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Me irl
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”