How about I get 100% off by already being there
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I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*