There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
You Might Also Like
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?