me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
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I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed