My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
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me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.