Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
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My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Worst Native American name ever.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
step 6: release the wall snake
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.