Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
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Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Stop sending me this shit.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession