ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
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I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I laughed at this way too hard.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken