I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
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mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I’m listening
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.