We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
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Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.