I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
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Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.