Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
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I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people