I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
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anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today